Stuff My Niece Says II
Here is the second installment of the outrageous and hilarious stuff my 14 year old niece, Anna
comes up with:
On Her Church:
“It’s Promise Land Baptist where everybody loves everybody… sometimes.”
On Prayer:
“I know God has a sense of humor, that’s why I tell him jokes when I pray.”
On Literature:
“I wrote a book once. Yeah, it was like 6 pages long and I was 5.”
On Words:
“Sometimes I just yell out random, funny sounding words like: Cubicle!”
On Fine Dining:
“You’re not American if you don’t like Chick-fil-A.”
On Hospitality:
“Cool your door knocking, you Jehovah’s Witnesses!”
Stuff My Niece Says
A few years back, a writer named Justin Halpern made a lot of money by taking his Dad’s sayings and crafting them into a book. It was simply his funny, poignant and sometimes outlandish thoughts on various subjects in life.
Well, two weeks ago while on vacation in FL, I discovered a literary gold mine – my 13 year old niece, Anna. I had not been around her in a while but quickly realized that she is unbelievably witty for her age, brilliant and altogether hilarious. The kid just makes you smile with what comes out of her mouth.
Here is a sampling of the stuff my niece says:
On Air Fresheners:
“They need to come up with a Home Depot air freshener. It smells wonderful in there.”
On Ambition:
“I think it’s hilarious to hear everyone talk about what they want to be. How do they know? I want to be a jobless deadbeat in New Zealand when I grow up.”
On Facial Hair:
“Let’s think about something serious like mustaches.”
On Athletics:
“I hate sports. I only got a good grade in P.E. because my teacher was nice and goes to my church.”
On Social Cues:
“I’m shunning you. I’m Amish.”
On Photography:
“I take pictures of flowers because, unlike my little sisters, they smile a lot and don’t move.”
Do You Need A Vacation?
Who needs a vacation out there? Can I get a witness? Everyone (yes, that’s you workaholic) needs to get away to reconnect with family, shut down the engines and preserve sanity. I started realizing last week that I was a candidate for vacation. Here are some ways to tell that you seriously need to get out of dodge:
- You fall asleep listening to a loop of “beach” and “wind in leaves” on naturesoundsfor.me.
- There is a dock somewhere in your current screensaver.
- You scheme to convince your wife that Vegas would be a perfect place for the kids.
- You watch Pirates of the Caribbean just for the scenery.
- They have to ask you to leave the outdoors section at Dick’s Sporting Goods.
- You get reprimanded at work for too many hits on Orbitz.
- Your wear flip-flops and board shorts too soon while rocking Hush Puppies with dress slacks.
- You’re constantly humming Jimmy Buffet tunes while awkwardly referring to yourself as a Parrothead in social settings.
- You buy a second Nalgene bottle because you want another color.
- You’re willing to include your mother-in-law on the trip to the Grand Canyon.
If any or all of these slightly resemble the last week or month of your life, book that vacay right now before you become a fashion nightmare or get on the blacklist at Dick’s.
Read MoreNo Retreat, No Surrender
I’m amused at people who write and instruct on how to take a personal retreat like it’s a subjective art form to be mastered. Every time I read an article or blog about it, I think to myself, really? What if I don’t want to go to a densely shaded forest, chew tree bark and meditate on the lyrics of the Psalter? Does that make me a bad pastor or retreater?
The actual definition of a retreat is “a period of retirement, seclusion, or solitude.” In essence, a personal retreat is being by yourself. Bada-bing. Pay the man, Shirley! I really have no idea what one is supposed to do on a personal retreat and neither does anyone else. That’s just it. You can do whatever you want. It’s a retreat for crying out loud not the pythagorean theorem.
This past weekend, I went on a personal retreat. The Elders of the church I pastor and my wife insisted I take a few days away from the grind to recalibrate. Sounded like a good idea so after squelching all the typical excuses of a workaholic, I decided to take the dive. I didn’t read any blogs or articles.
My retreat went something like this… I booked a place not far from my house. I drove there. While driving I sang along with Hillsong United, Gavin DeGraw and Zac Brown Band at an embarrassingly high decibal. I bought beef jerky (not on the cholesterol diet) at a gas station and then proceeded to consume it. I arrived at said place. I sat in a hot tub until I nearly passed out. I ate a burger in my room that I ordered from a phone. I listened to worship music. I read a lot. I wrote some. I prayed some. I saw an adrenaline laced movie starring Liam Neeson that scared the mess out of me. I ate chinese food and prayed some more. I didn’t shave. I sat in a steam room and reflected on God’s grace in my life. I saw another movie. I drove back to my house and performed some duets with Kari Jobe. Mission accomplished: rested, relaxed and spiritually recharged.
If you are in need of a retreat then take it. There is no formula. Go somewhere. Be by yourself. Connect with God. Done.
Read MoreI Would Never Say That
My friend and I were chatting the other day about the declaration: “I would never say that.” We went off on an enjoyable tangent about the things that have an extremely low probability of making their way off our tongues and into the sphere of influence. The topics and statements navigated from serious to completely hysterical.
Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. – James 3:2
Here are some of things, in my best estimation, that range from unlikely to not a chance in Clemson, SC of ever coming out of my mouth:
- Following Jesus is about being healthy, wealthy and successful.
- I really enjoyed that episode of Asia Squawk Box.
- I don’t think I have any weaknesses.
- The view from on top of this skyscraper is incredible!
- That won’t happen to me.
- Do as I say and not as I do.
- Every day a Friday.
- I’m really frustrated at the icing going on in this hockey game.
- God helps those who help themselves.
- Where do you keep your shampoo?
- You just lost a loved one? Well, God won’t give us more than we can handle.
- Bonnie, I’d love to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tonight.
- I prayed way too much today.
- I wish the Gamecocks would stop winning all the time.
- There are too many people coming to faith in Christ around here.
The list could go on and on. But you get the picture. It makes you think. What would your list look like?
Read More